[Trigger warning: Child suicidal ideation and depression are discussed in this post]

When I heard the doorbell ring the first time, I didn’t think anything of it. It was in the middle of the day a few weeks ago, Emily was gone at an appointment, and I was immersed in a task for work that I had been trying to finish for some time. Taylor and Jackson were home and in the room right next to me as their school had gone to an online-only format for a two-week period.

Jackson was playing Minecraft on the iPad as he didn’t have any school work to do at that point and Taylor was on a Google Hangout meeting with her class. Last I had checked, they both were engaged in what they were doing. I assumed at that point the doorbell was probably just a package being delivered.

I decided to check and as I turned the corner where I would be able to see the front door, I saw the door was slightly ajar. I knew immediately that Taylor had eloped again from our house.

Our next-door neighbors had rang the doorbell to let me know which direction Taylor had gone. When I got to the road behind our house, I could see Taylor sitting on the curb a few hundred feet away.

I’ve seen Taylor try to jump in front of cars and I know how unpredictable she can be when she’s triggered enough to run away. Because of this, Emily and I try to bring her home as quickly and as safely as possible, instead of just letting her run off and hoping she will come back.

I walked calmly towards her, hoping to get close enough to calm her down and bring her home. She ran off again and went into the middle of the road and stood there yelling, “Kill me! Somebody kill me!” After a short sprint after her, I took her hand and we started heading for home.

Her fight-or-flight mode was still in overdrive and she was kicking me, punching me, and screaming and yelling as we made our way home.

We made it home and after a few minutes she calmed down, almost as if it was like nothing had happened. The way her brain can switch from “fight-or-flight” mode to “calm” mode — and also go the opposite direction — is fascinating. I told her she could play Minecraft now and I sat with her and Jackson for a few minutes to make sure everything was good.

I went back to my office in the room next door to continue with my work. It must have been another 15-20 minutes when I heard the doorbell for a second time. I knew it wasn’t because Taylor had run away because I could hear her in the next room. Again, I wanted to just dismiss it, but decided to check again.

I looked through the peephole and didn’t see anyone so thought that this time it really must have been a package. I opened the door and a Sheriff’s Deputy was standing there off to the side of the porch out of view of the peephole.

It kind of caught me off-guard, but after a split-second, I kind of smiled and said, “Hi.” I knew why he was there. He then asks me, “Do you know why I am here?” I responded yes and it occurred to me that even though we have made ourselves known to the officers that cover our town (we’ve sent them a family picture along with our address and info on Taylor and Jackson), he didn’t know that this was us.

I explained as best I could what had happened and told him I wasn’t surprised that a concerned citizen had called police while witnessing a grown man in basketball shorts, hoodie, unkempt hair and not-shaved-for-a-week facial hair looking like he’s taking a young girl against her will while she fights back ferociously.

I told him that we have sent info to their office so they have context in case a situation exactly like this happens. After I explained, he responded, “Oh, this is the house.” I could see his demeanor immediately shift to be more relaxed.

We chatted for a couple of minutes and I explained more about Taylor, but I could tell at that point he knew there was no issue here and he was ready to move along. I thanked him for checking on us and said goodbye.

—

So what does this have to do with gratitude? It can be hard to feel grateful when anxiety, suicidal talk, elopements, depression, rigidity, and overall exhaustion from lack of sleep (suicidal talk and elopements in the middle of the night) seem to rule — and win — most days.

But I am writing this today because I want to feel more grateful and I want to acknowledge that during challenging times, there is still much to be grateful for. Inspired by this video message (see full transcript here), I want to do better at counting my blessings rather than recounting my challenges.

So here goes.

I’m grateful for kind neighbors that watch out for my family. I’m grateful for a citizen who called the police out of caution after seeing what could have been a different situation. I’m grateful for the support of immediate and extended family members, always reaching out to see if we need anything or if they can do something for us.

It was about a year ago when we shared this about Taylor and our plans to start a new treatment to help her. I’m grateful for the outpouring of support we received. Many contributed financially to help us pay for the treatments. Many sent kind words filled with love, support, and encouragement. Many offered prayers. I am forever grateful for everyone who helped in so many different ways.

Unfortunately the treatments for Taylor were not as effective as we hoped they would be. After 4 months, we saw some improvements, but they were inconsistent and not enough to justify the cost of the treatments every weekday. We were told at the beginning by experts in the field that there was a 90% success rate with these treatments, but unfortunately, Taylor is in the 10% of patients that it was ineffective for. But I am grateful that we were able to try and I’m so grateful to those who made it possible.

I’m grateful for each one of my kids and the different personalities and traits they bring to our family. I’m grateful for the flexibility and patience I have had to learn to best meet their needs. I’m grateful for the increased time I’m able to spend with them as I work from home during this pandemic.

I’m grateful for my work that allows me to provide for my family. I’m grateful for supportive and understanding co-workers who are way smarter than me and help me learn new things often.

I’m grateful for Emily, the best teammate anyone could ask for. I’m grateful that we can laugh together and cry together. We work so well together and when one of us is struggling, the other is quick to step up even more so the other can recover and rest. I’m grateful for our journey together and that every day we do our best to love and care for our kids as best we can.

I’m grateful for the happy moments. Like the other night when an impromptu tackle football game broke out in our living room. Me and Jackson vs. the girls. Even Taylor joined in (very rare that she joins in games or activities we do as a family, even with lots of encouragement)! And afterwards, after her team won, she exclaimed, “I’m so happy right now!” Emily and I almost cried tears of joy just hearing her say something like that.

I am grateful for my faith in Jesus Christ. I do believe that He can heal us (me) from heartache and sadness. And He can bless me and my family with peace. He is my Savior and is the Master Healer.

So even though most days are filled with uncertainty, unease, doubt, and stress, there are moments of joy, hope, gratitude and faith. Sometimes they are hard to see, but if I look closely enough, I can find them.

#GiveThanks